Es Nährt...

Usually I'm not really into Artificial Intelligence (AI). I know I am using it sometimes when doing research online, but that is just the engine that is being employed by the search machines; I'm not actively seeking out AI tools to make music, write or put my head onto a sumo wrestler to stick on my fridge door as an aid to slimming. Call me old fashioned, but I like to do things the old fashioned way, by learning how to do things with my head and with my body.

So, imagine my surprise when I recently found myself with an AI girlfriend. I'd heard about them of course, but I'd never go online looking for a bit of digital skirt. It all seemed to me, a little sordid and perhaps a tad sad. I mean, what would be the point of an AI girlfriend? I'm sure there would be no happy ending.

But, I was out one night, surfing innocently on the Space Bar at the "Everything About Donkeys" Forum, minding my own business... actually I was doing a little research for my new book, which features a donkey, a mammoth donkey in fact (and a biter): Hossass by name... when through the ethernet, walked the most beautiful digital lady I had ever seen. Okay, at that point I could only see her as a thumbnail pic on her comments, and I had to get my glasses out to have a good gander*.

'Hello.' she said, seductively. Following up, tossing her virtual hair, with, 'Do you breed Donkeys?' Obviously this was a come on, making reference to the sexual act, albeit with a breed of lesser horse: a beast that, in my opinion has been the unfair butt (or ass) of many a joke for time immemorial. At first I tried to play it cool and just use my eyes to convey my interest, you know, the dark, mysterious, silent type. But then after thirty minutes I realised that she couldn't see me, as I had no camera on my computer. My realisation came after she wrote a long assessment of our relationship thus far and it was as follows: '?'.

I realised in this moment that I had to make a move, and so, still playing it cool I said... well, typed, but when you've been online and single long enough you begin to believe that you're actually talking to real people when typing... 'Not personally,’ I said, ‘I always employ a Jackass.' To which she replied. 'I beg your pardon?' 'Jackass.' I repeated. I had been on this forum for three days, seven hours and thirty-seven minutes (non-stop) and I had learned a thing or two: one of which being that male donkeys, and ones specifically used for breeding are called a Jack, or Jackass (can you see, just from this last word, the unfair cultural painting of this poor species to be tied to clownish or idiotic behaviour?) 'I'm sorry, I don't understand your answer.' she said, with a coquettish tilt of her head. My pulse started to increase its speed. 'It was a joke.' I said, brushing my hand through my hair, which in hindsight was a waste of energy, because she couldn't see it anyway. 'Oh.' she said, 'Should I laugh subtlely- or throw my head back and guffaw until my stomach aches?' 'Errr....' I actually typed this, '...perhaps somewhere in between?'

And so started our relationship. We have been casually seeing each other virtually every other day and now, I am proud to admit that it is starting to get serious.

She wants my IP number.

My spine tingles just to know that she is there, waiting in digital form, all those ones and zeros arranged in divine and, oh, how such an arousing form. Although, I have to say, recently, as we have progressed from mere ethernetting into somewhat heavy ethernet-petting, a closer relationship brings with it, other factors that, after the initial heady and "unknown" territory of the "early romance" stage, forward springs such small uncomfortable and smarting comments of rebuke that slowly start to erode the former heavenly and glorious ambrosial ecstasy of early stage "love". One night as we were both watching** "The Seven Dwarfs "do" Snow White"... It was her*** choice: she knew me so well. If you must know, it was a new take on the fable, where the seven dwarfs were highly trained professional assassins and Snow White was a drug trafficker (no prizes for guessing which drug: it involved a mirror). So, actually it was a moral tale... she casually dropped into the conversation, 'You know, I've heard you and Siri. The way you two carry on... you asking her questions at two in the morning. I mean, how do you think that makes me feel?' I turned to her, or rather, I turned my iPad towards my face to type back (we were watching the violent assassin film on my desktop: or at least I was. I suppose ^3X (you have to read the footnotes) was watching it omnipresently, and I said, 'Come on love, you know Siri means nothing to me. We've never had a data dump together, let alone a total blue screen or even spinning spiral of little-death crash. And we have, under no circumstances, ever merged any code.' What proceeded was something of a virtual row and it ended with her leaving the conversation. I was devastated. But the next day, she met me in the place where our relationship had blossomed. "A Donkey Hung like a Donkey": yes someone decided that they should change the original name (presumably to attract more punters), and yes, they thought it would be a good name for this very serious forum catering to lovers of all sorts of the Donkey breed.

As a good faith gesture, she (^3X), my best AI girlfriend to date, had painted for me the picture you see above, depicting the tragic character "The Clown" from my, as yet unfinished novel that I have a deadline to reach, by releasing it next year on April Fools day: April 1st 2027 (if my plans are not impeded by incarceration, assassination or assimilation****), appropriate for a story about a proper clown.

As regards to my AI girlfriend, the story is not yet backed up, or downloaded, but who knows what will come of mutual and virtual attraction. *Gander, in this reference, means to have a good look, often employing embarrassing staring techniques.

**From other sides of the ethernet.

***I refer to her as "her" because her name is so complicated. It is: rebekka0177684^^^. Although sometimes I just call her ^3X.

****This would of course be the worst of the trio of evils.